The Jokes Thread

[marval]

lol some good ones there Mike.


If you have nothing to read, here are some books I can recommend.


Back Row Of The Orchestra by Clara Nett

Bad Cow Jokes by Terry Bull

Breaking the Law by Kermit A. Krime

Cooking Spaghetti by Al Dente

Errors and Accidents by Miss Takes and Miss Haps

French Overpopulation by Francis Crowded

Handel's Messiah by Ollie Luyah

Highway Travel by Dusty Rhodes

Home of the Liberty Bell buy Phil A. Delphia

I Beat Bobby Fischer by Jess Player

Indian/Italian Cuisine by Ravi Oley

Italian Cooking by Mac Aroni

Little Bitty Froggies by Tad Pole

Musical Gunfighters by The Okay Chorale

Mystery in the Barnyard by Hu Flung Dung

Nuclear Power Bafflement by Ken Fusion

Outdoor Cookery by Barbie Cue

Red Vegetables by B. Troot

Scandinavian Photography by Matt Finnish

Sea Birds by Al Batross

Small Vegetables by Russell Sprout

Snakes of the World by Anna Conda

Solving Crimes by D. Tective

The French Chef by Sue Flay

The Irish Heart Surgeon by Angie O'Plasty

Tyrant of the Potatoes by Dick Tater

Uninteresting Road Signs by Bill Bored

Webster's Words by Dick Shunnary

Weekend In Hong Kong by Rick Shaw

Wind Instruments by Tom Bone

 

[Dorsetmike]

Margaret, you forgot a few ----

Shorter Skirts by Seymour Legge.

Cliff fall by Eileen Dover.

Dirty old men by Rudolph Ules.

The timekeeper by C. Lock.

and don't forget

Lots of birds by his brother F. Lock

 

[marval]

Oops so I did Mike, and here are a few more.


I'm Someone Else by Ima Nonymous

Kangaroo Illnesses by Marcus Wallaby, M.D.

Keeping Old Furniture Looking Good by Ann Teak

New Mexico Tour Book by Albie Kerky

Not a Guitar by Amanda Lin

Care For A Chop? by: Marsha Larts

40 Yards to the toilet by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont

Armed Heists by Robin Banks

Desert Crossing by I. Rhoda Camel

Girl On a Budget by Penny Pincher

 

[Dorsetmike]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He replied,

3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

 

[marval]

lol have heard it before, still made me smile.


Margaret

 

[marval]

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.

"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"

 

[Dorsetmike]

Tips Say A Lot

A man finished his meal at a restaurant and left his tip: three pennies.

As he walked out, his waitress mumbled, loud enough for him to hear, "You can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."

The man spun around, and asked, "Really? What exactly does my tip say to you?"

"Well," she replied, "this first penny says you're a thrifty man."

Barely concealing his pride, the man said, "True enough."

She continued, "And this second penny tells me you're a bachelor."

Surprised, he said, "Well, yes, I am."

"And this third penny tells me that your father was, too!"

 

[marval]

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

 

[Contratrombone64]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day. Due to an administrative error at the pearly gates, the Pope ends up in Hell and Tiger ends up in Heaven.

St. Peter sends them each a email stating that all will be sorted out in 24 hours.

The following day Tiger is despatch to Hades and the Pope arrives to go to heaven. St Peter says "Your holiness, a survey if you don't mind, it shouldn't take a second?" The Pope says "No problem at all, what is it?". St Peter says "What is your main reason for wanting to get to heaven really". The Pope says "I sincerely want to meet the Virgin Mary, that's a high motivator for me". St Peter says "Sorry, you're a day late".

tish boom

 

[marval]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were having a competition to see who was the best magician.

The Englishman took off his top hat and produced a rabbit from it.

The Scotsman took a bottle of whiskey and made it disappear.

The Irishman asked The Englishman and The Scotsman each to give him £10 and when they did, he turned into a pub.

 

[Dorsetmike]

Suicide bombers going on strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by approx. 25% this January from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth."

Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?" asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be bu****ed if I'm agreeing to anything like that".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in Bucks, Canterbury and Leeds stated that this would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like they're not so keen on going to paradise.

 

[marval]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

Jacob: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes".

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes"

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We're about to get married. We'd like to use this store for our wedding list.

 

[Dorsetmike]

Dear sirs,

Last Saturday I purchased two of your so-called 'Lucky Dip' tickets. However neither of them turned out to be lucky and I lost all my money. In what sense do you consider my tickets to have been lucky? It seems clear to me that, under the Trade Description Act 1968, you have been reckless in your description of these items. Please advise me what steps you intend to take to remedy this situation. At the very least you should refund me my two pounds and rename these tickets 'You'd Be Lucky Dip', although I'm not sure that irony has any place in financial matters. Perhaps a better name would be 'Statistically, You're Extremely Unlikely To Be Lucky Dip'.

Next Saturday I intend to invest a further two pounds in your 'Instant Win' product. I sincerely hope that this will live up to its promise.

Yours faithfully,

 

[Contratrombone64]

LOL @ Mike's "lucky dip" snippet.

 

[marval]

HaHa, good one Mike.



Two Mexicans are on a bike along U.S. Highway 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, the bike's tyres go flat, and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying eggs.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back, and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time, he is really late and so puts the hammer down. Sure enough, the police pull him over for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs."

The Cop obviously doesn't believe this; so he wants to take a look in the trailer. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible, plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a tractor-trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bike already.

 

[OLDUDE]

This tramp knocks on the door of a big house and a man answers.
The tramp says "I'll do any work you want for the price of a square meal".
The owner says "Just a minute" and returns with a tin of red paint and a brush, and says "Here you are. You'll find a porch round the side of the house. Make a good job of painting it and you'll be well rewarded"
About an hour later the tramp knocks again to say that he is finished and receives £20.
"By the way" he says "It isnt a Porsch, its a Mercedes"

 

[marval]

HaHa that's a good one.

Margaret

 

[marval]

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

 

[marval]

The manager of an office wants to motivate his staff so he puts up a sign saying "THINK" above the basin in the staff restroom.

Upon returning, he finds a new sign above the dispenser saying "THOAP"

 

[Dorsetmike]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'































'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...





Worse ...
you're now singing it to yourself !


[ races for the air raid shelter with a tin hat on]