Musical jokes

marval

New member
"New Musical Terms"

In an effort to keep you abreast of the ever-changing world of musical terminology, we provide you with some terms with which you should be familiar:

Adagio Fromaggio:
To play in a slow and cheesy manner.

AnDante:
A musical composition that is infernally slow.

Angus Dei:
To play with a divine, beefy tone.

Anti-phonal:
Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.

A Patella:
Unaccompanied knee-slapping.

Appologgiatura:
A composition, solo or instrument, you regret playing.

Approximatura:
A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.

Approximento:
A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch.

Bar Line:
What musicians form after a concert.

Concerto Grossissimo:
A really bad performance.

Coral Symphony:
(see Beethoven-Caribbean period).

Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous:
The entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs.

Dill Piccolino:
A wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

Fermantra:
A note that is held over and over and over and ..

Fermoota:
A rest of indefinite length and dubious value.

Fog Hornoso:
A sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not clear.

Frugalhorn:
A sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.

Gaul Blatter:
A French horn player.

Good Conductor:
A person who can give an electrifying performance.
Or, alternative use, one who obeys the orchestra and/or chorus.

Gregorian Champ:
Monk who can hold a note the longest.

Kvetchendo:
Gradually getting annoyingly louder.

Mallade:
A romantic song that's pretty awful.

Molto bolto:
Head straight for the ending.

Opera buffa:
Musical stage production by nudists.

Poochini Musical:
Performance, accompanied by a dog.

Pre-Classical Conservatism:
School of thought which fostered the idea, "If it ain't baroque, don't fix it."

Spritzicato:
Plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).

Tempo Tantrumo:
When a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor.

Tincanabulation:
The annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap bells.

Vesuvioso:
A gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.

ZZZfortzando:
Playing REALLY loud in order to wake up the audience.

Al dante con muncho:
Text painting using molars and lots of snack food

Scaretzandomundo:
Music that frightens people all over the world

Picksanozo a tempo:
The sound of plucking a bugger from ones nose in rhythm

Al Fresco mitt lager:
French music heard outside with a German beer

Musica ad nauseum in peptobizmahl:
Peppy music that sometimes makes you sick

Perpetua in mobile gasstrando:
The sound of a bagpipe playing in the lowest register possible in imitation of the sound of passing wind - sometimes also known as: in flatulence detecto con grosso
 

marval

New member
Music history according to students


1. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.


2. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.


3. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.


4. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.


5. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.


6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died from this.


7. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.


8. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.


9. An opera is a song of bigly size.


10. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily ever after.


11. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.


12. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.


13. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.


14. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said
he would go a long way. And so he came to America.


15. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.


16. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.


17. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.


18. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and McCoys.


19. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.


20. My favorite composer is Opus.


21. A harp is a nude piano.


22. A tuba is much larger than its name.


23. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.


24. You should always say "celli" when you mean there are two or more cellos.


25. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick
with the first name and learn it good.


26. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.


27. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.


28. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass
fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.


29. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds.
So would anybody.


30. Question: What are kettle drums called?
Answer: Kettle drums.
 

Mat

New member
Staff member
Margaret, those are priceless. Especially the one with guitar. Thanks.
 

marval

New member
So the new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be on time and that they will work for many long hours.

The timpanist,expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!"
 

Tûrwethiel

New member
Gosh, you've reminded me of the time I had a conductor who used a highlighting pen to help him work out which instruments came in when. In The Four Seasons, for goodness sake!

Cheers

Vicki
 

marval

New member
Oh dear Vicki, not what you expect a conductor to need to do.


A country lad on one of his rare visits to the market town saw a music stool in the window of a shop. He went in, bought it, and took it home. Two weeks later he was back in the shop in a furious rage. "I been sitting on this darn stool for two weeks," he told the manager, "and I ain't got a note out of it.



Did you hear about the musical ghost?
He wrote haunting melodies.
 

jhnbrbr

New member
Just been enjoying this thread! Here are a few more...

Sign in front of busker: A 50p donation secures a 5 minute intermission.

Small boy after playing violin for his parents' dinner guests: "Why don't you have a go Mr Jones? My Dad says you're always on the fiddle."

A well known conductor on being asked whether he'd ever conducted any Stockhausen: "No, but I once trod in some!"

Beneath the sign on the music library shelf saying "Bach's Organ Works" someone had written "So does mine!"

True story - conversation overheard after organ improvisation: "That's the trouble with these 'ere extemporisations - when you've heard one, you've heard 'em all!"
 
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marval

New member
Some good jokes there folks.



Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"
 
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